Let’s face it

English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that

Quicksand takes you down slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth

Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth

If the teacher taught,

Why didn’t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables

What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play

Yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and

Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

Of a language where a house can burn up as

It burns down

And in which you fill in a form

By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers

And it reflects the creativity of the human race

(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why

When the stars are out they are visible

But when the lights are out they are invisible

And why it is that when I wind up my watch

It starts

But when I wind up this observation,

It ends.

source: http://www.ahajokes.com/eng002.html

This story is meant as a  refresher and is good to be read out in your class or in a training, etc. Read this story in front of your students or audience and make sure they follow your movements. Fun is guaranteed!

Father: Lean to the left                                                                                   Tono: Lean forward
Mother: Lean to the right                                                                               Tini: Lean backward

The Story of a Happy Family

This is a story of a happy family which consists of a father, a mother, a son named Tono, and a daughter

named Tini.

Last Sunday, the happy family — father, mother, Tono, and Tini were going on a picnic. Before they

left, mother was in the kitchen making father some breakfast.  Tono was putting on his sneakers. How

about Tini? When Tono realized that Tini was still asleep, Tono rushed into the bedroom and called out

“Tini, hey Tini, wake up, Tini!”.

Tini opened her eyes and said “Oh Tono…why are you yelling at me?!”

Tini then heard father calling out from downstairs “Tono, Tini, come children, we’re leaving soon”.

“Tono, come down and have breakfast now. You too, Tini” called out mother.

Half an hour later, father was already in the car, mother was locking the front door while Tono and Tini

were racing to the car.

“Careful Tini”, said father.

“Watch your steps, Tono” added mother.

But Tono and Tini kept on racing. Tono was first, then Tini, then Tono, then Tini again, and Tono…and

the winner was…Tini!

The happy family was in the car. Remember the happy family? Who are they?

Father, mother, Tono and Tini.

Notes:
With a little creativity…you can continue the story and make it longer using your own words!

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

source: www.ahajokes.com
photo credit

How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he’d say “zed” instead of “zee”. But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say “zee,” and it’s starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

Another test used to be the word “lieutenant”. Canadians pronounced it in the British was, “leftenant”, while Americans say “lootenant”. But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.

Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a “u” in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it’s “Canadian Labor Congress” when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.

Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they’re thought. Take the word “house” for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as “hoose”.

The same for “out” and “about”. The way some Canadians say them sounds like “oot” and “aboot” to many Americans. And when an American says “house” to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an “ay” in it, something like “hayouse”.

But pronunctiaiton isn’t a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.

Then there’s the ubiquitous Canadian expression “eh?” – pronounced “ay?” This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.

source: www.ahajokes.com